Turning Blind with Tears of Blood----Part II

......You say I'm being selfish and am not putting myself in your shoes. On the contrary, it is because I thought of it from your viewpoint, that I asked for your permission. I could have very well ran away without informing, like I have done before. But, I decided to change that, due to my new found respect for you. I'm not saying I have been a perfect son or If I ever will be, after all the mess that I have made in the past few years. Its precisely why I didn't go today, after you said NO. But of course, I had to make a point which is why all this happened.
Cause one fine day, when you finally agree, I will have lost all confidence due to your negativity. Plus, there would probably be too many restrictions on travelling, what with terrorists now having taken over the world or there would be no world at all, the bike would be in a bad shape and most importantly I will have turned old and frail.
I didn't run away this time, because I know at the end of the day, you are the ones I will turn to. And God-forbid I wouldn't want to suffer hell on earth on account of my family disowning me!
Damn! All the bad stuff comes at the same time. But still doesn't mean that it will continue the same way.
See this is how the 'mind' works. If you draw your own negative conclusions before hearing the whole story, your mind will go into overdrive to prove that your negativity is right. If you think in the other way, then your mind uses all its resources to prove that right is in fact right.
Its up to you if you wanna heed this or just shun it aside as "Sameer's Anger" or "Sameer's tantrums"
Lastly, sorry for all that I said above. Unfortunately, I did mean it!

Who knows, what's gonna happen in Sameer's life or many of the other young boys and girls who are just like Sameer. Agreed, some of our demands can be wrong and stressful. But then not all demands are demands. They would be a "mutual understanding" if tackled appropriately.

Turning Blind with Tears of Blood---Part I

Life can be so disappointing. Like the popular Hindi proverb, "Dene wala jab deta hai toh, chappar phaad ke deta hai." Which loosely means, "When the blessings come, they come in abundance." Unfortunately, this also holds true on the negative side.
The following is about a young boy named Sameer, who has recently faced a real bad phase with his last job. Accused of something he hadn't done and terminated from services with a real harsh letter. The next scene is where he has plans to meet up with some friends on a motorcycle ride and how he handles the events, that unfold afterward, through his thoughts.
(Written in first person)
Referring to his parents: People say they believe in God and that such things should be taken just as how molten steel has to go through fire to get hardened. But the very same people turn around and say, "Your stars are bad right now. Don't go anywhere on the motorcycle for long rides!" Heck, if I go anywhere on foot they have a problem and its the same with a bike. "There will be dew on the roads, truckers are bad drivers, you don't have experience, the bike is too big, your brother had already had an accident around the same time when he went to college on the bike some years ago, I don't have the energy to answer to the family members if anything happens to you." [All valid risks that I completely understand and have learnt on how best to prevent but..] God! Have you ever heard so much negativity in less than a minute from anyone before?!! Even the many soaps on T.V. don't have so many bad thoughts. In that case, I shouldn't even walk out on the road. There could be a banana peel I may trip over, a rabid dog may bite me for no reason, a 3-wheeler could run over my toes, a truck could be swaying callously, a car could be breaking the zebra crossing. Heck there are so many germs in the air, there's flu in the air, there's pollution, there are terrorists roaming freely for crying out loud!! Going by your thinking I'm glad I didn't commit suicide. Thank goodness, there's no third sibling. Gosh, I can only imagine the restrictions you would've imposed on him/her! Again, going by your way of thinking, there could be another incident at a new workplace, so I should not work at all right!? I'm sorry, but isn't that your school of thought when it comes to me and the bike? [Agreed, my passion borders on materialism. But then life itself has become materialistic. The very fact that we have such competitive needs owing to the harsh, rotten and corrupt world we live in, is grounded on materialism.]
Coming back, why can't you accept the truth that life itself is fraught with such uncertainties. If something has to happen, it will take place, COME WHAT MAY! God makes it happen, hoping that we learn something out of it strive on with new found strength.
I understand you care for me and hence your worried for my safety. But it doesn't mean you should not have confidence in me when it comes to the one blessing I have, that I love and am passionate about.
Did you ever realise that this same negative thinking is why I don't want to get married, which is why I'm not in a relationship, which is why I don't socialise? But no, that too y'all want to make a liability on my head.
One says I can't allow that, I will have to hear from everyone. The other says, its not his bike, he doesn't get to ride it, we have removed his confidence. [this itself says that you don't wanna forget the past] Why, even the everyday arguments you have with each other are proof enough of how you yourselves are negative entities and don't want to move ahead in life. How can you not expect anger from me then?? How can you expect me to be confident about anything in life with such an atmosphere? Its one of the reasons why I'm still a tortoise in a shell. Then they say I don't know how to socialise and how to mingle with other family members. This house-bound nature that has been developed in me unknowingly by whoever[maybe you or maybe its me] can lead to so many other problems. Yet, the one outdoor activity I engage in is degraded by you. Remember, you are the same ones who say, why you are going out? why did you take so long to come back? Fine I have no issues with that. But I cannot tolerate it when it comes to motorcycling. I don't know why, but I just cannot! Especially not after I explain the whole thing to you.
Y'all have become so predictable! I know exactly how each one of you will react to every situation. Yet y'all haven't been able to understand me. [Is it because I don't understand myself? Then again why is that the fact?] I know how you all feel now as you read this, but did you realise this is how I felt and still feel? Even if i try to express it to you I have to face an answer that I know you will give me. One that gets me disappointed. One that comes pat, without even hearing me out. And after the job incident, which was such a confidence eroding factor, I have to face this. I'm fed up and frustrated with this life.........

State Of Disarray II

Friday, 02nd May

Part II

"Too many shadows in my room. So much to do than sit my heart around. Its taking so long. I could be wrong, I could be right. I am in repair."-- John Mayer

Yes, I am in a state of dismemberment. People I should respect are those I feel detached from.
A punching bag. That's what I've been treating my family like for the past few years. My family!My limbs, my breath of life! All I ever did was blow my head off at them. Like a supercharged engine that is fed an intoxicatingly large amount of laughing gas(N2O). Unfortunately, its constitution is too weak to hold in such a fierce combustion any longer. And it blows up sending the car into a tizzy & along with its driver, anyone else that happens to come in its violent path is furiously injured.
What have I done?!! I have controlled my temper and been sweet to strangers who disrespected me. Strangers like the shopkeeper who never fails to cheat me, the pedestrian who lacks road sense, the landlord who extorts.
The 2 people who gave me life & all I've ever done is hurt them.
Topping this is the worst part. The fact that I've not been selfish. I've been worried about others so long, that suppressing myself has become second nature to me. So what if you have to say something that hurts. If its the truth, it must be said. No point trying to be the chocolate bar to everyone. In most cases you will find yourself getting devoured by those monstrous teeth for their selfish pleasures.(Seems like I've unknowingly made myself my own punching bag too!)

The doormat is what I've been. I guess that's the only reason why I've hurt those who only deserved forgiveness and love from me. Sure, there are biological reasons to prove why I don't get along with my father; but its still not reason enough for me to hate interacting with him. He is after all, my Dad!. Hes only human.(You're no angel yourself Joe.)
Well, its time to wake up and smell the coffee. All you people who have treated me as the office stapler. UR GONNA GET UR ASSES STAPLED!
There's a fine line between being 'Merciful' and being 'Just'. Never before has that line been more prominent to me. No more Mr. Nice Guy! Be myself is what I'm gonna be, coz self-respect gets you respect.

Its definitely not easy. Shaking off a habit is one of the toughest things to do. You could end up getting rid of some good habits and forming new negative ones! But its not like I fear a challenge.

"Feign I shall not. Not to you, not to him and definitely not to myself."

P.S.: A big 'Thank You' to AB. I look up to you, but never did I realise that you look up to me too.