Caged Freedom

I lie here in wonder, waiting for the day when I can jump up & do what I want.
Without having to explain why, without having to think more than twice.

I've had the chance to live that life. It wasn't for long, but it made me smile.
Smile, because that was freeedom.
Freedom that a child can relate to on his bike. Freedom that the artist can paint on canvas.
Freedom that is expressed through song.
Oh, how I yearn for that day to come again. So much that even I can play a song!

Still, I lay here and ponder. Because I know that day won't come by mere chance.
Like my fore-fathers, I too have to fight for it.
Fight not with you, fight not with mother. But fight with myself.

Work hard they say to achieve success. And so it is in this case.
Why? I do not know. Why is life always about pain followed by gain? I may never find out.
Questioning it won't help either.
But I do know one thing. I cannot wait for it to knock on my door.
Go ahead & unlock that happy place is called for.
Even so, I'm still left to wonder.
Wonder where to find that place.

Wonder then & seek it's key; Only to find out that none can be done without HE.
HE is the inspiration, HE is the strength.
This is faith. And faith can move mountains they say.
But labouring to move it is also true. A fact less underrated.

From freedom to faith. This is why I wonder.
Is there anyone who can come to my aid?
Someone to give an encouraging push. Someone to stand & tell me 'This is how you do it.'
Aah! That someone can either be you. Or it can be me.
Yes, that's possible. It is me beneath my skin.

So I stop at this hint.
And now again I wonder.
Wonder, how to let myself out.

Unity in Diversity??

I had to stop reading a Valentino Rossi interview for this!

Like a cancer we eat into each other. That's how it is in ma familia. When we're away from each other, there seems to be peace & understanding between the four of us. But when we're under one roof, somehow or the other, all hell breaks loose. Is it us or is it the house? Maybe its cursed, who knows!
Here's a brief 'emotional status' description of ma familia:
Member A: Lonely, Rejected, Failure, Frustrated
Member B: Can't forget the past, Whiney, Needs just the faintest spark to combust
Both A & B have distinct abilities to mess with the heads. A messes with C & D's heads while B messes with A's head.
Member C:Has coped well with the whole situation & has made a successul person of himself albeit at a slight personal physical loss. Good then, that Member C has Member F for companionship, love and the emotional let-out.
Member D: The opposite extreme of C. The worst person. At par with A.
Infact A + D = Angry Mount. Vesuvius.
D work with A??..Whoah!! You gotta be kiddin me!

But at this point in their lives D has what it takes to change all this. Huh! Who am I kiddin? Not 'all of this' but atleast enough to make life a lil' easier. Unfortunately, D is just wasting his life away. Making it more of a mess than it already is.
Member D often has 'What the hell was I thinking?' moments & will continue to have them unless concrete steps are taken.

But even then, the four of them can't stay in the same Ring. At times its like a 'barb-wired steel-cage' match; while at other times its of the 'over-the-top-rope' kind.
I'm glad its just 4 members, else it would be 1/6th of a Royal Rumble!

You may be wondering what happened to Member E. Fortunately, for its own good, Member E never got to see the light of day. Literally. Boy am I glad for that. But yeah, I do regret not knowing if it was a boy or girl. Not to forget the obvious joys a third sibling could have brought. But then better his/her happiness at our cost.

At home, the malignant disease has yet to find a cure. It seems to me that there's just two solutions: (a)Everyone or someone changes for the better OR
(b)Unofficial separation from each other of any form.

After all the introspection, I've been able to identify one root cause. It is the Intense Anger within each one. Bottled up daily in small increments. Then, set ablaze like a flaming bottle of alcohol and hurled at the enemy.
Sad, ain't it? Having to term members of a familia as enemies? But don't get me wrong. Deep down, we do love each other. Trust me, that's what we realise when we are away........

State Of Disarray II

Friday, 02nd May

Part II

"Too many shadows in my room. So much to do than sit my heart around. Its taking so long. I could be wrong, I could be right. I am in repair."-- John Mayer

Yes, I am in a state of dismemberment. People I should respect are those I feel detached from.
A punching bag. That's what I've been treating my family like for the past few years. My family!My limbs, my breath of life! All I ever did was blow my head off at them. Like a supercharged engine that is fed an intoxicatingly large amount of laughing gas(N2O). Unfortunately, its constitution is too weak to hold in such a fierce combustion any longer. And it blows up sending the car into a tizzy & along with its driver, anyone else that happens to come in its violent path is furiously injured.
What have I done?!! I have controlled my temper and been sweet to strangers who disrespected me. Strangers like the shopkeeper who never fails to cheat me, the pedestrian who lacks road sense, the landlord who extorts.
The 2 people who gave me life & all I've ever done is hurt them.
Topping this is the worst part. The fact that I've not been selfish. I've been worried about others so long, that suppressing myself has become second nature to me. So what if you have to say something that hurts. If its the truth, it must be said. No point trying to be the chocolate bar to everyone. In most cases you will find yourself getting devoured by those monstrous teeth for their selfish pleasures.(Seems like I've unknowingly made myself my own punching bag too!)

The doormat is what I've been. I guess that's the only reason why I've hurt those who only deserved forgiveness and love from me. Sure, there are biological reasons to prove why I don't get along with my father; but its still not reason enough for me to hate interacting with him. He is after all, my Dad!. Hes only human.(You're no angel yourself Joe.)
Well, its time to wake up and smell the coffee. All you people who have treated me as the office stapler. UR GONNA GET UR ASSES STAPLED!
There's a fine line between being 'Merciful' and being 'Just'. Never before has that line been more prominent to me. No more Mr. Nice Guy! Be myself is what I'm gonna be, coz self-respect gets you respect.

Its definitely not easy. Shaking off a habit is one of the toughest things to do. You could end up getting rid of some good habits and forming new negative ones! But its not like I fear a challenge.

"Feign I shall not. Not to you, not to him and definitely not to myself."

P.S.: A big 'Thank You' to AB. I look up to you, but never did I realise that you look up to me too.

State of Disarray

Friday, April 04

PART I
How does one know if he/she likes someone? How does one differentiate between whether they like someone or like someone a lot? How does one know that it's not just infatuation?
Take these facts for instance:--I'm a few hours away from giving an exam, but all I can think of, even though I'm physically reading my notes is, "Do I still like her?" I suddenly remember an old conversation and now wonder, "What if I had replied in another way back then?"

Let's consider a romantic, madly in love, passionate yet practical married couple who are parents of two. How do they keep the flame going? To reach that stage in life, isn't it a fact that they liked/loved each other continuously over the years?
......(oops! Sorry, had to delete some lines here as they weren't publish worthy, but they were important and hence the apology)....

Okay, let's move on. See, now I think I'm ready to get over it, but there's this whole new set of thoughts that has entered my mind since I began on this untrodden path of closure. This....mixed up Dilemma is what they've put me in. But sadly, its not just about a difficult choice. Its about something more intense and nerve-racking.
Remember, when I queried, "..its not just infatuation?" Picture this, You've taken that infatuation & gone to level 3, where level 3 sees that crush turn into an obsession. Take this to level 5, where it becomes a habit; cue level 7 & the habit has entered the subconscious. If you managed to picture that then you've made it to where I am now.
EXCEPT that, level 7 now has to deal with having to get rid of all previous levels!
This has led me to mix those seemingly subconscious thoughts with 'what if..' type questions. Answers to which are never gonna see the light of day. Thus leading to more muddled thoughts that are difficult to construe!
So, the only +ve thoughts I can rely on are those that strengthen my hope. Hope that at the end of it all, everything will be 'Fine'
But I must say its really extremely disheartening to have to get over the first one. More so, if you're just like everyone with regards to this position, i.e. those who always thought that he/she would end up with his/her first one, for life & wouldn't have to go through Levels 1 to 7 for someone again.
do wait for PART II.....

P.S.: I have a strong gut feeling that you all are saying, "We've been there Joe!"
As for me, I can only smile after reading it. Why? Cause, its another valuable lesson learnt. You know, That which doesn't break you, only makes you stronger.

Love &
God bless.

Can we live a sinless life?

Man is sinful by nature. To controvert this statement is futile.
Going against set rules or moral laws has been associated with man right from his existence. Be it the religious context of the disobedient Adam & Eve or the evolution theory where the ape-man sometimes stole the game from his neighbour's hunts.
Why do we do it? If it really is so hard not to sin then who said going against religious laws is wrong?
But in the light of the 21st century, where the line between moral and immoral is getting thinner by the day, how are the morally inclined supposed to survive?
I'm not saying I'm perfect. My soul is so dark, the black hole looks white in comparison. But let's not talk about the soul now.
The Seven Deadly Sins. Why are they referred to as causing death? We all know death is part of the biological cycle in all living & breathing species and is thus inevitable. Hence, you hear some people say, "Why not sin(read live immorally) and die rather than just die?"

But its no excuse to make this world decadent.

So then what is morality? It's not just a set of rules passed down through tradition.
If you really think about it, morality and peace are interconnected. If all the countries learned to co-exist like a family, there really wouldn't be atomic/nuclear wars. I mean, just because you disagree with your husband/wife/mother/father/brother/sister, you wouldn't go so far as to murder them.

Forgive me if I sound a little sententious. And let me also clarify that I have no intention of becoming a moralist, nor do I wanna become immoral.

So what is the moral of the story? I'm still thinking........