Caged Freedom

I lie here in wonder, waiting for the day when I can jump up & do what I want.
Without having to explain why, without having to think more than twice.

I've had the chance to live that life. It wasn't for long, but it made me smile.
Smile, because that was freeedom.
Freedom that a child can relate to on his bike. Freedom that the artist can paint on canvas.
Freedom that is expressed through song.
Oh, how I yearn for that day to come again. So much that even I can play a song!

Still, I lay here and ponder. Because I know that day won't come by mere chance.
Like my fore-fathers, I too have to fight for it.
Fight not with you, fight not with mother. But fight with myself.

Work hard they say to achieve success. And so it is in this case.
Why? I do not know. Why is life always about pain followed by gain? I may never find out.
Questioning it won't help either.
But I do know one thing. I cannot wait for it to knock on my door.
Go ahead & unlock that happy place is called for.
Even so, I'm still left to wonder.
Wonder where to find that place.

Wonder then & seek it's key; Only to find out that none can be done without HE.
HE is the inspiration, HE is the strength.
This is faith. And faith can move mountains they say.
But labouring to move it is also true. A fact less underrated.

From freedom to faith. This is why I wonder.
Is there anyone who can come to my aid?
Someone to give an encouraging push. Someone to stand & tell me 'This is how you do it.'
Aah! That someone can either be you. Or it can be me.
Yes, that's possible. It is me beneath my skin.

So I stop at this hint.
And now again I wonder.
Wonder, how to let myself out.

Unity in Diversity??

I had to stop reading a Valentino Rossi interview for this!

Like a cancer we eat into each other. That's how it is in ma familia. When we're away from each other, there seems to be peace & understanding between the four of us. But when we're under one roof, somehow or the other, all hell breaks loose. Is it us or is it the house? Maybe its cursed, who knows!
Here's a brief 'emotional status' description of ma familia:
Member A: Lonely, Rejected, Failure, Frustrated
Member B: Can't forget the past, Whiney, Needs just the faintest spark to combust
Both A & B have distinct abilities to mess with the heads. A messes with C & D's heads while B messes with A's head.
Member C:Has coped well with the whole situation & has made a successul person of himself albeit at a slight personal physical loss. Good then, that Member C has Member F for companionship, love and the emotional let-out.
Member D: The opposite extreme of C. The worst person. At par with A.
Infact A + D = Angry Mount. Vesuvius.
D work with A??..Whoah!! You gotta be kiddin me!

But at this point in their lives D has what it takes to change all this. Huh! Who am I kiddin? Not 'all of this' but atleast enough to make life a lil' easier. Unfortunately, D is just wasting his life away. Making it more of a mess than it already is.
Member D often has 'What the hell was I thinking?' moments & will continue to have them unless concrete steps are taken.

But even then, the four of them can't stay in the same Ring. At times its like a 'barb-wired steel-cage' match; while at other times its of the 'over-the-top-rope' kind.
I'm glad its just 4 members, else it would be 1/6th of a Royal Rumble!

You may be wondering what happened to Member E. Fortunately, for its own good, Member E never got to see the light of day. Literally. Boy am I glad for that. But yeah, I do regret not knowing if it was a boy or girl. Not to forget the obvious joys a third sibling could have brought. But then better his/her happiness at our cost.

At home, the malignant disease has yet to find a cure. It seems to me that there's just two solutions: (a)Everyone or someone changes for the better OR
(b)Unofficial separation from each other of any form.

After all the introspection, I've been able to identify one root cause. It is the Intense Anger within each one. Bottled up daily in small increments. Then, set ablaze like a flaming bottle of alcohol and hurled at the enemy.
Sad, ain't it? Having to term members of a familia as enemies? But don't get me wrong. Deep down, we do love each other. Trust me, that's what we realise when we are away........

State Of Disarray II

Friday, 02nd May

Part II

"Too many shadows in my room. So much to do than sit my heart around. Its taking so long. I could be wrong, I could be right. I am in repair."-- John Mayer

Yes, I am in a state of dismemberment. People I should respect are those I feel detached from.
A punching bag. That's what I've been treating my family like for the past few years. My family!My limbs, my breath of life! All I ever did was blow my head off at them. Like a supercharged engine that is fed an intoxicatingly large amount of laughing gas(N2O). Unfortunately, its constitution is too weak to hold in such a fierce combustion any longer. And it blows up sending the car into a tizzy & along with its driver, anyone else that happens to come in its violent path is furiously injured.
What have I done?!! I have controlled my temper and been sweet to strangers who disrespected me. Strangers like the shopkeeper who never fails to cheat me, the pedestrian who lacks road sense, the landlord who extorts.
The 2 people who gave me life & all I've ever done is hurt them.
Topping this is the worst part. The fact that I've not been selfish. I've been worried about others so long, that suppressing myself has become second nature to me. So what if you have to say something that hurts. If its the truth, it must be said. No point trying to be the chocolate bar to everyone. In most cases you will find yourself getting devoured by those monstrous teeth for their selfish pleasures.(Seems like I've unknowingly made myself my own punching bag too!)

The doormat is what I've been. I guess that's the only reason why I've hurt those who only deserved forgiveness and love from me. Sure, there are biological reasons to prove why I don't get along with my father; but its still not reason enough for me to hate interacting with him. He is after all, my Dad!. Hes only human.(You're no angel yourself Joe.)
Well, its time to wake up and smell the coffee. All you people who have treated me as the office stapler. UR GONNA GET UR ASSES STAPLED!
There's a fine line between being 'Merciful' and being 'Just'. Never before has that line been more prominent to me. No more Mr. Nice Guy! Be myself is what I'm gonna be, coz self-respect gets you respect.

Its definitely not easy. Shaking off a habit is one of the toughest things to do. You could end up getting rid of some good habits and forming new negative ones! But its not like I fear a challenge.

"Feign I shall not. Not to you, not to him and definitely not to myself."

P.S.: A big 'Thank You' to AB. I look up to you, but never did I realise that you look up to me too.

State of Disarray

Friday, April 04

PART I
How does one know if he/she likes someone? How does one differentiate between whether they like someone or like someone a lot? How does one know that it's not just infatuation?
Take these facts for instance:--I'm a few hours away from giving an exam, but all I can think of, even though I'm physically reading my notes is, "Do I still like her?" I suddenly remember an old conversation and now wonder, "What if I had replied in another way back then?"

Let's consider a romantic, madly in love, passionate yet practical married couple who are parents of two. How do they keep the flame going? To reach that stage in life, isn't it a fact that they liked/loved each other continuously over the years?
......(oops! Sorry, had to delete some lines here as they weren't publish worthy, but they were important and hence the apology)....

Okay, let's move on. See, now I think I'm ready to get over it, but there's this whole new set of thoughts that has entered my mind since I began on this untrodden path of closure. This....mixed up Dilemma is what they've put me in. But sadly, its not just about a difficult choice. Its about something more intense and nerve-racking.
Remember, when I queried, "..its not just infatuation?" Picture this, You've taken that infatuation & gone to level 3, where level 3 sees that crush turn into an obsession. Take this to level 5, where it becomes a habit; cue level 7 & the habit has entered the subconscious. If you managed to picture that then you've made it to where I am now.
EXCEPT that, level 7 now has to deal with having to get rid of all previous levels!
This has led me to mix those seemingly subconscious thoughts with 'what if..' type questions. Answers to which are never gonna see the light of day. Thus leading to more muddled thoughts that are difficult to construe!
So, the only +ve thoughts I can rely on are those that strengthen my hope. Hope that at the end of it all, everything will be 'Fine'
But I must say its really extremely disheartening to have to get over the first one. More so, if you're just like everyone with regards to this position, i.e. those who always thought that he/she would end up with his/her first one, for life & wouldn't have to go through Levels 1 to 7 for someone again.
do wait for PART II.....

P.S.: I have a strong gut feeling that you all are saying, "We've been there Joe!"
As for me, I can only smile after reading it. Why? Cause, its another valuable lesson learnt. You know, That which doesn't break you, only makes you stronger.

Love &
God bless.

Can we live a sinless life?

Man is sinful by nature. To controvert this statement is futile.
Going against set rules or moral laws has been associated with man right from his existence. Be it the religious context of the disobedient Adam & Eve or the evolution theory where the ape-man sometimes stole the game from his neighbour's hunts.
Why do we do it? If it really is so hard not to sin then who said going against religious laws is wrong?
But in the light of the 21st century, where the line between moral and immoral is getting thinner by the day, how are the morally inclined supposed to survive?
I'm not saying I'm perfect. My soul is so dark, the black hole looks white in comparison. But let's not talk about the soul now.
The Seven Deadly Sins. Why are they referred to as causing death? We all know death is part of the biological cycle in all living & breathing species and is thus inevitable. Hence, you hear some people say, "Why not sin(read live immorally) and die rather than just die?"

But its no excuse to make this world decadent.

So then what is morality? It's not just a set of rules passed down through tradition.
If you really think about it, morality and peace are interconnected. If all the countries learned to co-exist like a family, there really wouldn't be atomic/nuclear wars. I mean, just because you disagree with your husband/wife/mother/father/brother/sister, you wouldn't go so far as to murder them.

Forgive me if I sound a little sententious. And let me also clarify that I have no intention of becoming a moralist, nor do I wanna become immoral.

So what is the moral of the story? I'm still thinking........

That four letter word

Friday, 22nd Feb. 2008
I may want to term it as 'writer's block', but that's just inappropriate in my case. So, on that pompous note, let me begin with this my second one.

What am I gonna talk about today? Try hard I did to speak on something other than 'Love', but I'm afraid it's the only topic worth writing about at this moment.
'To love, I'd rhapsodize' - Bono
Isn't it the same with all of us?

*Three things that have kept me awake lately:
a.) Parents
b.) Life with a room-mate &
c.) Love for my bike.
(You just knew I HAD to add that third one, didn't you?!) :-)
--I've been real bad over the last 5-6 years. Far from sounding like a five year old writing to Father Christmas why he still deserves to get gifts on a snowy morning, the point I'm trying to get across is, "Have I been a good son?"
All the events from the last half-decade have lead to these last few days.
Days of realisation, of a heightened level of conscience, days of foundation. Foundation of the man this world shall see a further half-decade from now.I shan't get into details, as I wanna KISS this one(Keep It Short & Simple, or such other variations that you're familiar with.) People my age will definitely identify with this plateau amongst life's many hills. The one where you finally get rid of the 'angry young man' image. The image in which you did everything for people & things that don't really matter and in the process caused hurt & heartache to those that really do. Parents in this context.
There, you get the raison d'etre of Point 'a'. As for the answer to that question, I'd like to believe that I've gone from 'Bad' to 'Not so bad'.
But I must add this. I would never reach here without YOU. Where I use the second person to refer to 'a few good men'. The close friends that HE thought right to bless me with. So Cheers to you guys & gals! I love y'all and will always be there for you.

--Aah! Life with a roomie. The last 4 years have cemented my belief in the words 'Live-in Relationship'. Of course, what I've experienced is still far away from the real thing. You know, the real thing involves living with a person of the opposite gender! Now, don't brand me as 'Swaying the Other Way'.
Patience is a virtue, so bear with my ranting and don't go trigger happy with that judgemental-gun in your head. Anyway, the point is, apart from bringing to light every little/great quality or malady of the other, living with someone also imbibes a level of tolerance in you. It makes you think about the other and how you can make things better just by spending time together. It has made me look forward to living with someone belonging to the fairer sex. But that's still a (VERY) distant prospect. For now, I'm in love with not being in love. Solace in solitude as I usually say.
I'm a firm believer in the following description of love-- Love is a multi-faceted emotion, action & of course word. To love means to sacrifice, to compromise, to put into deed. It's not just a word used in a directive sentence, like how some people abuse it, by saying it to anyone and everyone without any significance and then bad-mouthing about the very same people they said it to.
When you utter the words "I Love You", it doesn't only imply your emotional attachment to a person/thing. It entails that you Can & Are Willing To do anything to make that person happy. Parents, friends, partner, bikes(in my case). How exactly does one go about keeping a machine happy is not something I'm gonna delve into now. For obvious reasons.[You know what! I'm gonna skip Point 'c'. It's destined for an altogether different blog.]

Love is a great responsibility. Shouldering it can make you find yourself flying on Cloud no. 9 or amidst sharp thorns and menacing weeds on untreated ground.
At the end of the day, for me, the single most important aspect of personal life is 'making others happy'. That my dear, is the key to self-happiness too. It requires time & effort. Sounds like a 10-year plan, doesn't it? Well, that's exactly what it is! This can be attained with 'Love' & by extension is a 'key' that needs to be manufactured right from molten steel to filing of its teeth. With 'You' as the only labourer enduring, until with one small twist, its finally open.

First things first and more...

Friday, 21st Dec. 2007
Yeah, a different band to inspire me this time. Not Coldplay as usual, although they still hold the no. 1 spot on my list of inspiring music. Right now, it's 'Learn to Fly' by Foo Fighters.
Hmm, its been quite a while since I last sat down with you. By the way, I don't consider inanimate objects as my friends/confidants, etc. unless of course it has wheels. :-) This ain't a 'Dear Diary', more like speaking to the 'Inner Self' and saving those conversations in ink or print or blogs in this case. Why? Mostly because I've nothing better to do. lol...
I've had it with these crushes and puppy love situations. Up to here I tell you!'Enough Now!' Like the hopelessly in love character from 'Love Actually', albeit, its easier said than done, specially with matters of the heart.
Apart from the absolute lack of work to do & of course the inspiring musikka, I figured, if this is what helps me preserve myself(Thanks Abbey!), then I better shun my laziness and get down & dirty. [Sometimes, the writing part does get dirty you know!]
Putting the day's countless thoughts on paper really aids in de-stressing the mind.(Why Lord? Why do we need these thoughts? As if life's other troubles aren't enough!)
This is the best part of writing and blogging. Helps me listen to my self, helps me put things in perspective.Some say it's the conscience while others say its the divine presence of God Himself speaking to us. I like to believe that its God speaking to us through our conscience.
You know, since June I've been writing so much of stuff. Wish I could show it to all to you guys(who are apparently as bekaar as me if your reading this), but even though this blog is undeniably personal and I have no issues with sharing it with the world, there are certain things that are 'un-shareable' at best.

Which brings me to the term 'CONFIDANT.'

Isn't it funny how your various relationships can be confusing? Those with Family, Priests, Friends, Professors, Doctors, etc Specially the latter three. The heart may be just a muscle working involuntarily. But it's this very randomness of the heart that can catch you off-guard. Then again, not everything is done with being overwhelmed by emotion.
Its all in the mind baby. It has the innate ability to make things happen even when you know only too well that they won't happen.
The thing with confidants is that they are just that and nothing else. You are both very important in each others lives but its up to you the 'confidantee' if I may say so, to keep things that way and not complicate such a beautiful relationship. They are unique. Earth Angels even! Come to think of it, everyone I'm close to is a true gem. Seriously! Of course I do believe that everyone is made unique. It's just that I don't see that uniqueness until I'm really close to them.
What's that I hear you say? You think I'm just confused?No, NO!...............To me it's just a given that comes with being a 20-something. I prefer to use the term 'learning curve.' (The fact that it took me a good 60 seconds to come up with a substitute word, just so that I don't sound like every other confused 20-something, IS irrelevant!)And no, I'm not trying to describe the functions of various body parts either.
Aah! I've reached Coldplay.Let me sign off by saying, no matter what happens, just make sure you hang in there & have NO REGRETS.
'Life is a lesson, you'll learn it when your through', sang Fred Durst.I say, why learn it when your through? To enjoy a fruitful life, you just have to learn these on the way. It isn't rocket science you know! So don't wait till its too late.
Peace and God bless y'all